Afraid

Hiya guys.
Its 2.35 in the morning now, and I have school in s couple of hours.  But honestly I dont care. I'm too afraid to sleep. Rephrasing that, I'm too afraid of the future. Why?

I know that the future is tough and scary. When I was a kid, 1 week ago, I used to think that I could do anything in the world and not be afraid of it as it wont affect my future. Now, I'm terrified knowing that my future is totally dependent on my grades. The fact that my English tutor tells me stories of how cruel and unfair life is when trying to get a job is not exactly comforting. Not to mention I have to go through the army. Honestly speaking, I admit I'm a coward. Im afraid of almost anything. Studies,  jump scares,  and most importantly, my future. How am I gonna live my life in the future?

My Chinese teacher expects my answer of whether if I would like to drop to basic mother tongue, therefore my grades during O'levels wouldn't be that affected. But I have worked so hard. I didnt want to give uo now! However,  I do not have the courage to tell her into the face, as her tall order of learning her spelling of 20 phrases in 2 days is impossible for me. Me being a F student in Chinese really gives us asians a bad image. Im sorry. Although in the future I will be able to learn those words, now they are nothing but a 10 feet tall wall and all I have is a stool to help me get over. Hoing around doesn't help either with viscous beasts at the side making sure I do not take the easy path. Eventually Ms...teacher. (Sorry paiseh I forgot your name) I'll get over that wall, but now I'll just sit on this side first.

I somehow remembered that twitter existed and visited a couple of tweets by friends and pages. Found hers in accident,  and I have honestly nothing to say. Especially to see that you would be in a fake r/s just so I would be able to let go. Just think for yourself from now on. I'm fine on my own. Our conversations are ending bitter due to my own doing. I just cant bear msging you.
Life isn't fair. So we have to earn for our happiness.

Sad to hear that kampung is closing down . V , I thought u and D are super close since you two made out with each other. So what is going on? I dont msg or see u often at all so I'm pretty lost. What are u aiming for in life? I would like your answer on that. Also, send regards to your cousin. Its been awhile since we had a chat :))

My clique breaking up already.  I dont know what is happening to them. The E3 clique seems much more happy and united that I wish I was a part of them. They really display true teamwork and friendship. But I cant abandon my E2 clique as well. We worked hard together during events. But that achievement isn't what I expected as compared to now, it doesn't help my clique bond. Now we are drifting.  Hahah what should I do?

2 hours to go , im gonna get some rest. Nights!

Life on start of school

Life of a O level student is crazy as hell. I wonder how am I supposed to survive? Crashed with cca duties, homework,  the fact that my teacher is suggesting I drop to Basic Mother tongue so I can focus more on my math, figuring out that my D&T O level is gonnna require 7 months of preparation and that is still not enough,  my math teacher still not able to understand as she is the same teacher as my year before,  and my Chinese is the one whom all claims to be the worst teacher for MT. Not forgetting my goal of finding a scholarship overseas and aiming for a university.  My life as a human will be gone before I know as myself.  I wonder how all my seniors made past this ordeal?

Anyways, its a new record fot me to cry on the second day of school due to my juniors. The fact that their problem is similar to what my seniors had. I wasnt able to protect my senior then so I didnt want to see that happening to my juniors.  But I guess because of my own rashness I acted on impulse.  My emotions got the best of mr and tears started forming. Eventually thr prefectorial board got to know and somehow got involved as well. Wow life is not starting out good for me.

The fact that I am caught in this unfair world make me wonder on everyone who have survived this ordeal and got to the top. How did they do it? Why can t I? Bah it gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Luckily I know that Im not alone. I still have friends who are probably having tge same mindset as me. So let us all work hard together!

2014

A couple more minutes till the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014. It seems everyone is having fun outside waiting for the countdown party to begin whist I stay indoors ahah. Makes my life look pathetic doesn't it?

Its gonna be my O' levels next year, and honestly,  I'm scared of the outcome.  I have yet to decide on my ambition in life. Thats what scares me. How far can I go in this cruel world? That intrigues me.

The weather has recently been harsh on us today isn't it? Doesn't it make you want to cuddle up with ur loved one and wait for the welcoming committee for 2014? Ahah see that you do. It's not like I'm able to go anywhere.  Haiz... It's about time I get over that incident and change my personality to the person that I think be best for everyone. Secluded away from the world, speak only when spoken to. After all, these is all because I was weak and people treated me as a pushover. Not anymore. Just to give a  word of advice. Dont fall too deep in love ahahah. Okay by 2014 , my change will start. No more weakling , no more pushover.  This year is the year that I will make myself best for me and everyone.

Its about 4 hours to go, I'll think I'll stop here. Have a happy new year everyone.  :)

Questions in my life

Ive been away for so long since I last updated, and I guess it will be that way till I can be free to blog more often in the future. But it has been kinda rough on me the past months and Im seeking for answers.

Where will I go after Secondary 4? Should I aimlessly go to a Poly and drift from there? Or should I aim for a dream? But even so, what dream? What is my ambition?  What is my passion? What do I want to be? That is something I ask myself daily after having a talk to my friends of their future lives.

One migrates to Paris to study fashion in University at 16 , and becomes CEO at age 20 , while another aiming to be environmental lawyer. Me? I dont know. I want to find my passion,  but I dont know if I have one. That is one question I seek. What is my passion and what do I do after O's?

A second question in my mind. Why do I still feel empty in my heart, even after we have not been talking and meeting up already at all. Why is it possible that I always shed tears of sorrow after reading her messages and blog posts towards me? Why do I think of her in my dreams every now and then...But most importantly,  why cant I let her go now? Perhaps I have not gotten over her. Perhaps I need her to fall in love with someone else to let me be free. Then that invisible chain that holds me back will disappear and then we will both be happy. She with her new man that loves her till death shall part them , and I will be able to live life without regrets and worry.

This assumption may be true. So if u are reading this, dear SK, find love with another man. The man that will make u happy. Only then we will both be happy and free. The promise to bring u stargazing, can only be fulfilled in other parts of the world. Singapore has no place for stargazing. So drop the idea if ur thinking of stargazing in Sg. Sorry for the disappointment.

I still have to meet up with others back in the kampong. I wonder when we will all see each other again, and I hope it will be soon .
I miss everyone alot . Perhaps one of them, V or J, can help me get over her, I hope.

My blog still sucks, I know. It may not be completed be end of December. So yeah sorry. I know it is tough to read the posts for people who are on mobile. Just switch it to the web version. Merry Christmas everyone :)

Back with stories

Hey guys , im finally back after being Afk for a couple of months but things are not turning out so good. Its 6.30 in the morning now, cause just like most other Sec 3 all ovet SG, we have an extended curriculum till 8 november. It benefits us, if we even bother to listen in the first place haha!

Back being single and single for good this time. After being in this one, I finally understand the hardship and pain u guys have been putting in to your own relationships. But sincr I failed miserably,  I know u guys can do it :D

Being promoted to Sec 4 next year, but not alll are coming along with me. Guys what will u do if all of your friends are promoting except for 1 friend..who 1 of ur best friendss in the whole world? Yep. My pal anish didnt make it. Its a sad day to know that we all will not be graduating together ... but what can we do right? Its MOE's & the principal's decision to allow who goes where. We can now only give him memories before he turns us away as well. 

My blogger friend ,  who I met in H3ROES camp,  I told u people will be able to see the scars even if u try to hide them, but im glad ur becoming for the better. Its been so long since the last time we met, so I hope to see u soon , before kampung wont be kampung anymore. Oh for info back there, they changed alot since I was last there.  Even yin xiao is in USA studying now. Hope to see u soon ;) 

My blog will be updated soon with tge features and all, it should be completed by end of the month hahah! Stay tuned, and be safe :) 

Signing off~

Raylamence