Friendships

Wraping up this week... its kinda horrible.
Why do friends always fight so much? Who are your true friends? Betrayal and backstabbing occuring everynow and then...I just want all of these to stop and start over. Back when we were just Sec 1 students. Where we were all lost in this new school, and only had each other for support. Sure my lower Sec life wasn't that good, but so does my upper sec life. All stinks. Guys, if ur reading this now, please remember all the good times we shared since we met each other. Sure there were bad times, but the good times were dope as hell! Now we are talking foul about each other, it doesn't match up to our memories that we share. Sure we get into fights every now and then, but not till one of us rages and have trust issues anymore. I've been there, it isn't pretty. My immaturity caused trouble for u guys too, and im grateful for getting us back together.  So now it's my turn to do the same for all of u!

Going back to study life, its getting tougher and tougher. Its really feels like hell when u know that ur major exam is coming up anf you're totally unprepared for it. I'm counting on alot of people to help me get through this. Hope u continue teaching me!

Love... isn't really on my to-do list these few days. But looking for that person that truly understands you... I think I may have found one, but my mind may get distracted should I think bout her. Yes, true in the past there was this one girl that I could count on to cheer me up and vice versa, but thanks to me she's gone. Shes a sweet girl u know? But... I guess we men have our flaws. Nvm.. its too late anyway. This new friend who so far always listens and looks out for me, and I hope to do the same for her. We are friends, but close friends.  Hope she doesn't take it the wrong way. She's one of thepeople I look up and respect. Actually,  I respect a lot of people. People whom im close to, I generally will learn something valuable from them. Even if it's something small like being a gentleman, I would always and forever look up to them as my idols. She had it too. Learnt that even though we were not together for long, we had a bond for over 4 years, and that made it all the more special. Hope ur doing great.

Im tired.... tired of all these things happening. I locked my goal to become a weapon engineer,  but if I do that the only place I can work in is in the army. I need an alternative... life.. really stinks

Stress

Alot of stress, fear and frustrations have been inputed into my life these couple of days. My CCA's now dont even make a hell sense, im flopping my common test results, the letter to my damn principal to return sports day, my damn friends who try to put me down, the damn Homework that keeps piling up, no matter how much I complete them, a damn motivational camp that doesn't even make sense, etc.

When these much stuff get onto my mind... well it depends on my physical health. If I'm still fine and healthy, I would just keep my mouth shut and go through all of it. But recently last night I didn't take a break, and worked the whole night through on 3 pieces of work, the type and print of the letter to my damn principal, and was still not feeling well. Today I experienced what I have not felt in a long time, I eventually had chest tightness, and from that with not enough oxygen flowing through my brain, I got a seizure. I managed to fight it, but can have 4 outcomes. The most occasional , anger burst. I would literally curse anything and everything that I saw , with physical blowd to deal with anyone to stands in my way. Most common outcome, I would curl up into a ball, pull my hair and rock back and forth, occasionally losing my mind and havr no control over my actions. The other 2, I will laugh out loud in a maniac tone and they pass out on the floor few seconds later.
Well the hair pulling was what took place today, with all pent up anger, stesss and confusion , I couldn't think and breathe straight.... Just completed CCA and now on the way to POA class. What do you guys do go manage your stress?  Mine obviously is one of the worst ways. Hahah

But there is one quote I live by 'Sometimes I feel like giving up, but then I remember all the motherf****** I have to prove wrong'. This really is the thing I wake our of bed for . Whats yours?

Nights

Midnight now hanging out with 3 guys and gal. You know, going out late at night wif your friends enjoying the breeze and peace of the night, is really relaxing. Your friends also play a vital role as well, they help liven up the atmosphere :)

Lying down in the middle of the playground on a trampoline looking up high into the skies, I rmb all the times I had with her. Maybe it is true, I still care and worry about her. Even if my heart tells me not to love her anymore,  it still tells me that I have to care. Heh messed up feelings

True that I have an eyecandy, but so far it only remained as that. Nothing more or less. For valentines day... yeah sure y not I'll spend it with the people I love the most. The guys. Maybe get a couple gifs for other girls whom I'm close to? Hah sure :)

Exams coming up, and as soon as I wake up tomorrow I have to study. Me and Jishnu have an agreement.  We'll work together as weapon engineers. So far, it has somehow been in my interest. Sure maybe I'll change in the future, but now I'll stick as a weapon engineer.

Walking home late at night let me see alot of couples together.  Meh I feel....empty?  I hope it will be gone soon. My friends noe are all I need. I love them lots.

Next Saturday going for steamboat with camp buddies, and I'm really excited for it.
I just realised,  that starting this year, I amends with a lot of new friends. I'm closer to alot of people,  Daniel, the 2 megans, Larry, Joel ,etc.  This year is getting better :)

I will be personally stronger in all my aspects, and become a better guy. Learn new stuff, work harder for the better. :) Thanks Daniel :)

Haha, I have no idea what else to talk about :) Been too long since I blogged. I like to read my friend's blogs but kinda lazy to update.

Afraid

Hiya guys.
Its 2.35 in the morning now, and I have school in s couple of hours.  But honestly I dont care. I'm too afraid to sleep. Rephrasing that, I'm too afraid of the future. Why?

I know that the future is tough and scary. When I was a kid, 1 week ago, I used to think that I could do anything in the world and not be afraid of it as it wont affect my future. Now, I'm terrified knowing that my future is totally dependent on my grades. The fact that my English tutor tells me stories of how cruel and unfair life is when trying to get a job is not exactly comforting. Not to mention I have to go through the army. Honestly speaking, I admit I'm a coward. Im afraid of almost anything. Studies,  jump scares,  and most importantly, my future. How am I gonna live my life in the future?

My Chinese teacher expects my answer of whether if I would like to drop to basic mother tongue, therefore my grades during O'levels wouldn't be that affected. But I have worked so hard. I didnt want to give uo now! However,  I do not have the courage to tell her into the face, as her tall order of learning her spelling of 20 phrases in 2 days is impossible for me. Me being a F student in Chinese really gives us asians a bad image. Im sorry. Although in the future I will be able to learn those words, now they are nothing but a 10 feet tall wall and all I have is a stool to help me get over. Hoing around doesn't help either with viscous beasts at the side making sure I do not take the easy path. Eventually Ms...teacher. (Sorry paiseh I forgot your name) I'll get over that wall, but now I'll just sit on this side first.

I somehow remembered that twitter existed and visited a couple of tweets by friends and pages. Found hers in accident,  and I have honestly nothing to say. Especially to see that you would be in a fake r/s just so I would be able to let go. Just think for yourself from now on. I'm fine on my own. Our conversations are ending bitter due to my own doing. I just cant bear msging you.
Life isn't fair. So we have to earn for our happiness.

Sad to hear that kampung is closing down . V , I thought u and D are super close since you two made out with each other. So what is going on? I dont msg or see u often at all so I'm pretty lost. What are u aiming for in life? I would like your answer on that. Also, send regards to your cousin. Its been awhile since we had a chat :))

My clique breaking up already.  I dont know what is happening to them. The E3 clique seems much more happy and united that I wish I was a part of them. They really display true teamwork and friendship. But I cant abandon my E2 clique as well. We worked hard together during events. But that achievement isn't what I expected as compared to now, it doesn't help my clique bond. Now we are drifting.  Hahah what should I do?

2 hours to go , im gonna get some rest. Nights!

Life on start of school

Life of a O level student is crazy as hell. I wonder how am I supposed to survive? Crashed with cca duties, homework,  the fact that my teacher is suggesting I drop to Basic Mother tongue so I can focus more on my math, figuring out that my D&T O level is gonnna require 7 months of preparation and that is still not enough,  my math teacher still not able to understand as she is the same teacher as my year before,  and my Chinese is the one whom all claims to be the worst teacher for MT. Not forgetting my goal of finding a scholarship overseas and aiming for a university.  My life as a human will be gone before I know as myself.  I wonder how all my seniors made past this ordeal?

Anyways, its a new record fot me to cry on the second day of school due to my juniors. The fact that their problem is similar to what my seniors had. I wasnt able to protect my senior then so I didnt want to see that happening to my juniors.  But I guess because of my own rashness I acted on impulse.  My emotions got the best of mr and tears started forming. Eventually thr prefectorial board got to know and somehow got involved as well. Wow life is not starting out good for me.

The fact that I am caught in this unfair world make me wonder on everyone who have survived this ordeal and got to the top. How did they do it? Why can t I? Bah it gives me a headache just thinking about it.

Luckily I know that Im not alone. I still have friends who are probably having tge same mindset as me. So let us all work hard together!